Acceptance, Resilience, and the Contradictions of Life

“It is far easier to see the gloom and decay; so often it sings a louder song. Attune our hearts to the good still stirring in our midst, not that we would give ourselves to toxic positivity or neglect the pain of the world, but that we would be people capable of existing in the tension.”

— A Prayer by Cole Arthur Riley

I grew up living in a box.

There was a home life full of drama and tragedy; and a school life with a lifeline to normalcy.

It was a church with its culture of fundamental beliefs that provided the answers to the deeper questions of life — Why am I here? Is there a God? What kind of God? How do I respond to heaven, hell, sin, repentance, and so on.

There was a spoken language: “Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?” There were testimonials: “I want to go all the way with Him.” And Gospel songs like “I’ve Got a Mansion Just Over the Hilltop.”

There was a way to be, rules to live by — a box that kept you from questioning the scripted answers to those deeper questions of life.

And then life happened. And if you had just a smidgen of curiosity — and some would say intellectual honesty — you began to encounter perspectives, opinions, insights, and wisdom from other thoughtful people in the religious and secular world who sought answers to those same burgeoning questions.

You tempted yourself with the possibility that life is not simply about one way — your way. It’s not black and white. Indeed, life is filled with contradictions.

As Richard Rohr, the Franciscan founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation, states, “If we’re honest, everything is a clash of contradictions, and there is nothing on this created earth that is not a mixture at the same time of good and bad, helpful and unhelpful, endearing and maddening, living and dying.”

He references the book of Wisdom in the Jerusalem Bible that states that untarnished mirrors receive the whole picture, which always includes the darkness, the light, and subtle shadings of light that make shape, form, color, and texture beautiful.

But, how do we find our way in a life of contradictions? How do we live outside of the box where absolutes and simplistic answers fail to past muster?

It’s complicated.

When evil strikes, it is hard to show restraint. When abuse traumatizes, it is difficult to grasp hold of hope. When sickness or the loss of a person you love or any number of tragic events enter your life they are often accompanied by despair and Grace seems nowhere to be found.

We ought not sugar coat reality. But neither ought we free fall into powerlessness and overlook two of life’s gifts that carry a promise of helping us navigate in a contradictory world: acceptance and resilience.

Acceptance is a word made popular in the Buddhist movement. But it can be found in other religions and in the secular world.

Acceptance does not mean you acquiesce or submit or endorse something in life that brings about suffering for you or someone else.

It means that we make space for such experiences. We acknowledge and objectify the situation and relieve ourselves of the undue suffering that comes when we fixate on events we cannot change — at least in the moment.

American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr captured the spirit of this truism in his Serenity Prayer: “

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Akin to acceptance is another valued friend in our journey through a life of contradictions — resilience.

Rohr’s Center for Contemplative Action has adopted resiliency as a theme underpinning its teachings in 2024. Here is how he defines resilience:

“Resilience is the capacity to withstand and recover from hardship or difficulty. It has to do with the ability to spring back into shape after you’ve been beaten down or knocked over or bent over.”

There are ways to increase our capacity for resilience (mindtools.com). Time, not surprisingly, is the greatest teacher if one has self awareness and practices acceptance.

There are two ideas that seem both practical and particularly helpful and worth highlighting in the quest for resiliency:

First, when one is faced with a difficult time or a crises, allow a moment to “react” if one prefers. Take a deep breath or find a quiet place to scream. But then step back and “choose” a response. We have a choice in how we respond: we can react with panic and negativity, or we can remain calm and logical and take control and find a solution. Our reaction is always up to us.

Second, maintain a perspective. Resilient people understand that although a situation or crisis may seem overwhelming in the moment, it may not make that much of an impact over the long term.

Without minimizing some of the more unbelievable tragedies in people’s lives, for most of us we are best served by trying to keep events from growing out of proportion and trust our resources — our minds, our creativity, our spirituality — to find the way forward amidst the contradictions of life.

Otis Moss III, pastor of Chicago’s Trinity United Church of Christ, offers a perspective on his family’s resiliency while growing up in a black culture with the contradictions of faith and racism and of revelation and repression.

He tells of his father hearing a church elder asking his mother how she was doing. She answered, “I’m living between ‘Oh Lord’ and ‘Thank you, Jesus.’”

So are you. So am I.

Yes. Life is filled with contradictions and it is complicated.

But, we humans are built to bend, not break and there is a certain freedom and reward awaiting us when we take on life as it is, not merely as we wish it would be.